Best Roasts That Burn Just Enough to Keep the Friendship

Let’s be honest, if you’ve never been roasted, are you even living? Roasting is the beautiful, brutal art of burning someone with words while somehow making them laugh at their own destruction. It’s not just being mean. It’s not bullying. It’s more like... gourmet sarcasm.

Think of it as a compliment’s evil twin — way funnier, slightly rude, but deep down, everyone enjoys it. Even the victim. Sometimes especially the victim.

But where did this madness even start? Blame the comedians. The idea of a “roast” took off in old-school comedy clubs where a bunch of performers would gather around, pick one unlucky soul, and just absolutely demolish them — all in good fun. The target was usually in on it, sitting there laughing (and maybe crying) as every insecurity they ever had got turned into a punchline. It became a tradition. A roast was like a comedy hug with knives.

Now it’s everywhere. In group chats. In comments under terrible selfies. In birthday speeches that start sweet and end with “remember that time you fell in love with a catfish?”

The best part? A good roast doesn’t have to be cruel. It just has to be clever. Like the best dad jokes, the best roasts hit that sweet spot — they sting a little, but still get a laugh. You’re aiming for, “Damn, that was savage… but also hilarious.”

And that’s exactly what this list is. A carefully curated, 100% original, non-repeating collection of the finest roast lines the internet (and a slightly unhinged mind) could come up with. Need to destroy your best friend in a group chat? Want to win a roast battle without pulling out the “your mom” jokes from 2005? Or maybe you just enjoy spicy humor like it’s a personality trait?

Welcome.

We’ve got insults sharper than your ex’s lies. Roasts hotter than your Wi-Fi when it actually works. And burns deeper than your childhood trauma — but funnier.

So scroll on. Pick your weapon. Use responsibly.

And remember: If you can’t take the roast, stay out of the kitchen. Or at least bring some aloe vera. You’re gonna need it.

Best 150 Roasts:

• You're not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
• You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.
• Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
• You're the reason shampoo bottles have instructions.
• You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.
• Your face makes onions cry.
• You're like a cloud. When you disappear, it's a beautiful day.
• You have something on your neck… oh wait, it's just your other chin.
• You're not ugly… you’re just visually challenging.
• If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I'd be broke.
• You're like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, 'Not now.'
• You have something on your shirt… your whole personality.
• You're proof that even evolution takes breaks.
• If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• You have something on your teeth… my standards.
• You’re like a puzzle with half the pieces missing.
• You bring everyone down like a group project.
• You're not a complete idiot — some parts are still missing.
• You're as useless as the 'g' in lasagna.
• You have something on your attitude… failure.
• You're like a slinky. Not really useful, but fun to watch fall down stairs.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
• You’re the reason I check the “mute” button twice.
• You’re like a speed bump in life — just in the way.
• You were born on a highway — that’s where most accidents happen.
• You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.
• You’re the human version of a participation trophy.
• If I threw a stick, you'd leave, right?
• You're not the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, you're a spoon.
• You're like a calendar with no holidays — pointless.
• You’re like a fart in a windstorm — loud, annoying, and gone in seconds.
• You bring nothing to the table except crumbs.
• Your voice makes me wish I was deaf.
• You’re the type of person who would trip over a wireless connection.
• You’re like a phone with 1% battery and no charger in sight.
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
• You’re like a parking ticket — unwanted and always showing up at the worst time.
• You have something on your vibe… desperation.
• You’re not lazy, you’re just on energy-saving mode… permanently.
• You’re about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine.
• You’re the human version of buffering.
• You’re like a software bug — nobody wants you, but you keep showing up.
• You’re not a vibe, you’re a warning sign.
• You're the reason aliens avoid us.
• You're the kind of person who claps when a plane lands.
• You’re like expired milk — nobody wants you after a certain point.
• You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
• You're like a participation ribbon that talks too much.
• You’re not hard to look at — you’re impossible.
• You're like a TikTok trend from 2019 — embarrassing and forgotten.
• You're the Wi-Fi that never connects.
• If being annoying were a profession, you'd have tenure.
• You have all the right tools, but no idea how to use them.
• You’re about as deep as a kiddie pool.
• You're not ugly — you're just the beta version.
• You're like a GPS that always recalculates into a lake.
• You have something on your confidence… delusion.
• You bring nothing but buffering energy.
• You couldn't lead a fish to water.
• You're not even on my last nerve — you're on a bonus level.
• You're like a slow-loading meme — not worth the wait.
• You have something on your face… oh wait, it’s just bad decisions.
• You’re the plot twist no one asked for.
• You're like a notification that never stops — annoying and unnecessary.
• You have the emotional depth of a dry sponge.
• If dumb were an Olympic sport, you'd be a legend.
• You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag with a map.
• You’re not even a has-been — you’re a never-was.
• You’re the background noise of life.
• You're like a password I keep forgetting — useless and frustrating.
• You’re the human version of an ad you can’t skip.
• If I wanted to hear nonsense, I’d listen to elevator music.
• You’re like an off-brand soda — flat and forgettable.
• You're like the last season of a bad TV show — should’ve ended long ago.
• You have the charisma of wet cardboard.
• You’re like a broken pencil — pointless.
• You’re the static on every radio station.
• You couldn’t charm your way out of a paper bag.
• You’re the loading screen of conversations.
• You have the spark of a damp match.
• You're like an out-of-office email — late, useless, and nobody cares.
• You have the rhythm of dial-up internet.
• You couldn't organize a sandwich, let alone a plan.
• You’re about as convincing as a spam email.
• You’re the plot hole in every group chat.
• You're like a forgotten password — annoying and complicated.
• You have the appeal of a pop-up ad.
• You bring the same energy as a mosquito at 3AM.
• You’re like low battery anxiety — unnecessary stress.
• You couldn’t be more extra if you came with a side of glitter.
• You're the alarm clock that ruins every good dream.
• You have the same energy as a broken vending machine.
• You're the answer to a question no one asked.
• You’re the 404 error of personality.
• You couldn’t start drama if your life was a reality show.
• You're the unskippable ad in my YouTube life.
• You bring confusion like autocorrect on a drunk text.
• You’re the dust in the corners of conversation.
• You couldn’t go viral if you sneezed in a room full of influencers.
• You’re the printer jam in the office of life.
• You’re like Bluetooth — always trying to connect, but nobody wants you.
• You’re the human version of a dropped call.
• Your ideas are so bad they should come with a warning label.
• You’ve got something on your ego… reality.
• You’re the background character in your own story.
• You’re like a fire drill — loud, inconvenient, and nobody takes you seriously.
• You talk like your brain’s on airplane mode.
• You’re the kind of person who loses a race walking alone.
• Your opinions are like expired coupons — worthless and annoying.
• You’re the reason “handle with care” exists.
• You're the group project nobody wanted to be paired with.
• You have two brain cells left — and they’re not talking.
• You act like your shadow is too embarrassed to follow you.
• You couldn’t win a staring contest with a goldfish.
• You’re like a Netflix show that should’ve been canceled after season one.
• You bring the same joy as a pop quiz on a Monday.
• You’re the Wi-Fi signal in a basement — weak and disappointing.
• You’re like a pencil with no eraser — you just keep making mistakes.
• You’re about as interesting as a voicemail.
• You’re not even a red flag — you’re the whole circus.
• You're the reason they invented disclaimers.
• If awkward were a language, you’d be fluent.
• You’re like a group chat with notifications turned off.
• You couldn’t pour cereal without starting drama.
• You’re the reason “seen” messages exist.
• You’re like a pop-up window — nobody asked for you.
• You’ve got the personality of a soggy napkin.
• You’re the kind of person who brings soup to a pizza party.
• You’re not the vibe — you’re the vibe killer.
• You’re the final boss of bad decisions.
• You couldn’t stand out in a room full of mirrors.
• You’re like elevator music — always there, never wanted.
• You bring the same energy as low battery mode.
• You couldn’t spell 'effort' with auto-correct on.
• You’re like a playlist full of skippable tracks.
• You're not a headache… you're a migraine with Wi-Fi.
• You couldn’t go deep if you were thrown in the ocean.
• You're like a selfie taken with the front camera by accident.
• You’re like an app with too many ads — instantly deleted.
• You couldn’t light up a room if you were on fire.
• You’re the “before” picture in every ad.
• You bring less to the table than a coaster.
• You couldn’t land a punchline in a joke factory.
• You’re like a pen that doesn’t write — all look, no substance.
• Your presence is like elevator silence — painful and awkward.
• You’re the human equivalent of an accidental reply-all.
• You’re like a traffic light stuck on red — nothing ever moves forward.
• Your personality could use a software update.
• You bring the same excitement as a loading bar at 99%.
• You couldn’t impress a mirror.